As with the previous post, I'm continuing the habit of posting homework assignments to my journal. Having returned to college after
fucking around for ten years a somewhat long hiatus, I am now buried in assignments, and I've had to put poetry and novels on hold for a short while. All of my writing attention is being taken by homework. There is little I can do with these assignments once written, so I've decided to post them here, along with the grade they received.
This next one was a simple assignment to write a short paper outlining how to do something. A process with a few supporting elements. A few hundred words, tops. While the majority of the class tended to write papers dealing with the preparation of brownies or the changing of a flat tire, I decided to go a different route. I considered submitting this to my pals over at Modern Drunkard, but they're currently not taking on any new articles, so I've decided to post it here.
How to Better Support Your Descent into Alcoholism
While there are many impediments to becoming an alcoholic, focusing on regimen, role models, “get-me-bys”, and a compelling atmosphere can help keep you on track and successfully guide you toward your goal of lifelong inebriation. Becoming an alcoholic is not easy, and many have given up on their goal due to exhaustion, monetary trouble, and even at the urgings of loved ones, but an introductory knowledge of how to get around these impediments can provide some much-needed support on the path to drunkenness.
The first major roadblock to becoming an alcoholic is a lax regimen. Many people fail at this milestone by not keeping up their intake of alcohol. It is important to have a daily regimen of drink, and not fall back on self-defeating excuses like “It’s okay if I don’t drink today, because I’ll make up for it by drinking twice as much tomorrow.” The trick is to push the envelope further and further, making sure you are never far from an alcoholic beverage. There will come a point when you simply do not want to drink any more alcohol, likely due to incessant vomiting, dizziness, and a general feeling of misery. All goals require effort, however, and you must persist. It helps to develop an altered sense of logic, like “When I throw up, it’s just my body getting rid of the bad alcohol to make room for more good alcohol,” or “I need to drink just to feel normal.” These mindsets and a healthy regimen of drink are important in the forming of ‘drunk walls’, a key aspect of keeping yourself drinking when you want to give up.
Many find that it helps to have a role model with regards alcoholism. In your favor are a variety of celebrities and figures that have all shown the great things that can be accomplished while being an alcoholic. History has a great many role models that you can look to in admiration. President Ulysses S. Grant, infamous literary figure Ernest Hemingway, and the brilliant military strategist Alexander the Great, are but a few of the iconic figures you can look to for guidance. Remember, you’re not alone! You’re joining into the ranks of some of the most important individuals in history.
Even with a variety of role models, however, the problem of monetary expense can still be a constant frustration, and at times can severely interfere with a drinking regimen. A major impediment to fostering a strong alcohol addiction is monetary expense, and many budding drunks simply cannot afford the supply of alcohol necessary to compel addiction. With this problem, however, there are a variety of “get-me-bys”, or, simple solutions that prove cost-effective in carrying an alcoholic during times of little income: Cooking wine is often quite inexpensive, as are some brands of mouthwash, all of these providing enough alcohol to get you by until pay day. Also, scraping off and swallowing the detergent foam in unspent cans of Sterno can provide a hearty drunkenness, and even give the added bonus of brain damage from caustic chemicals, which, in turn, can help you with your perspective and heighten your need for release through intoxication.
Perhaps most important in compelling your drinking habit is the creation of an alcoholic-friendly atmosphere. Surround yourself with items that depress you, or remind you of more troubling times. Keep these things visible and always within reach: Termination slips, images of loved ones that have passed on, or divorce papers. Remember, you’re not shooting for the top of the world, you’re diving for the bottom of a glass. Keep this in mind as you stagger toward achieving your goal. It helps to develop associations and friendships with others who share your goal of alcoholism. They will come and go, and you’ll find them highly unpredictable, but their occasional support can be empowering when the hangovers are getting to you. Atmosphere is everything, and once you’ve reached your goal of drinking daily, it’s important that you begin distancing yourself from friends and family. They will try to help you stay sober, and they will certainly mean well, but help and well-meaning will not further your goal of alcoholism, and in fact, these benevolent forces will actually hinder your progress. The atmosphere you create for yourself cannot contain people that interfere with your drinking. Many potential drunks find that it is useful, during the transitional phase between heavy-drinker and alcoholic, to spend less time with people who do not drink, and more time in bars alone. A very large milestone for the emergence of alcoholism is that turning point between drinking with others for fun, and drinking alone out of desperation. Desperation is your best friend, and will become a crucial element in nurturing your inner drunkard and helping you achieve your goal of lifelong inebriety.
Remember, sobriety is your enemy, and it’s everywhere, but if you can maintain a strong drinking regimen, use a variety of “get-me-bys”, have role models to admire, and live in an atmosphere you’ve carefully made conducive to your drinking, the goal of alcoholism is within your reach.